Are you tired of politicians lying to you all the time? Do you want real change? Do you believe in change at the hands of third party candidates? No, we’re not talking about Gary “What is Aleppo” Johnson. We’re talking about the unofficial 3rd party candidate for the President of USA (and the world). Duke Nukem of course. He is the hero we need and the hero we deserve. And in this article, we will give you five solid reasons why a vote for Duke Nukem is not just a vote for America but a vote that will keep our entire species protected from alien invasion.
Strong diplomatic negotiations
Duke Nukem can carry himself efficiently in diplomatic negotiations with non-human entities. Remember the time he negotiated the release of all those captured women by boarding the alien spaceship to talk things through. Well, those talks broke down quickly but he was able to bring all the women back to safety.
Duke Nukem believes in progressive values
Our presidential nominee is a supporter for progressive values and women empowerment. That’s why you see him in places that celebrate the values of freedom and choice for women. He is also a huge donor to such places. Rest assured, if you’re a woman, you can bet your rights will be protected under a Duke Nukem presidency.
Initially, this might not sit with you well if you’re a conservative but hear us out first. What we mean is that Duke Nukem is not only pro-abortion for women but also every other species as well. This includes the foreign entity planning to invade earth and enslave the human race. Duke Nukem is even nice enough to spend some of his precious pipe bombs on wiping out alien eggs planted in various places.
Say good-bye to those illegal aliens
No, not the undocumented migrants. We’re talking about pig cops, enforcers, assault troops and many more. Those are the true illegal aliens and they are the ones who actually plan to not only invade America but the rest of the world as well. That’s why a vote for Duke is a vote for world peace.
Ahem! Let us clear that for a moment. What we meant by free healthcare is putting people out of their misery for free. And here “people” refers to the aliens. Ever since the alien invasion in 1997, Duke Nukem has come across several aliens who are just too depressed and want someone to end their lives. Luckily Duke Nukem believes in euthanasia and the legal right to end ones life. Well, for aliens at least.
Let us know whether you will be voting for Duke Nukem this election.